Dating a musician? This is the survival guide you need.
Congrats! You’re dating a musician, and the exhilaration is real. You’re feeling the thrill of proximity to the band, the live-show energy from side stage, the dramatic influence of fans. There’s a lot to celebrate and enjoy…
…AND.
You text them when they’re on tour, and they don’t respond for hours. You get anxious. Maybe you guys fight over Facetime and you don’t get to resolve it until they have an off day. UGH. You wait it out, feeling helpless. You see fans making too-familiar comments on social media, and you’re suddenly feeling insecure.
You may be noticing that making a relationship work in this environment is extra tricky, and you’re not wrong. With my own lived experience as a touring artist partner and relational wellness coach, here’s my advice for making it work:
Be an artist guardian.
Life as a touring artist is not all rockstar living. It has manyyy emotional and psychological challenges on top of the physically crazy impact of living on a bus (or in a van).
The role of an artist guardian is about becoming a safe space for the artist, and being a safe person is about accepting the role of caring without ulterior motives. "Maybe if I let them vent to me now, I'll get to ride the bus with them to Lollapalooza next week" is a 🚩.
Being an artist guardian is also about being open-minded and curious: your willingness to shift any assumptions you have about artist life makes it a better experience for you too.
Be prepared to work on your “stuff”.
Some environments have a higher probability of causing an internal reaction in us. The touring/music/creative setting is one of those environments.
And there’s a very good reason for this: we tend to be more reactive in environments that have unpredictability. (Hello, primal brain!) Touring life has a ton of nuance and variables. Even if the tour is locked in with a great team and good resources, there’s still the fans...
The complicated parts may kick up some triggers or activation in you. Start with noticing the way you’re feeling, and that maybe the feelings go deeper than present tense w/ your touring partner. Next, identify the tools that help you turn these moments into opportunities for growth. Don’t do it alone: find a coach/therapist that you can talk to consistently to support your ongoing growth and learning.
Get comfy with the concept of *interdependence.
Creating a healthy balance of supporting each other and ALSO being ok with space and time apart is a cornerstone of a touring relationship.
Pursuing your interests, building a community of good humans, and investing time in things you’re passionate about are 3 ways to experience a beautiful life while they’re on the road having their own amazing experiences.
Codependence says “I can’t live without you while you’re on this tour”...
Independence says “I don’t need you while you’re gone, let’s check in on the other side”...
Interdependence says “you matter to me and I’ll miss our time together, but I also feel secure on my own”.
The exciting show you’re going to is also their job site.
It’s show day. They probably have mixed feelings.... anticipation, adrenaline, overwhelm around all the work ahead at the same time that you’re excited for concert energy. It’s helpful for everyone if you recognize that you’re tagging along on their job, not just attending a fun festival. They’re “on the clock.”
Being aware of this also includes being realistic about your access to them in that environment, and not taking their emotional/mood shifts personally.
Human mode > performance mode.
Real talk: artists will often walk offstage from a successful show feeling disappointed and down. This truth is virtually unknown to the audience. Everyone assumes that the artist is elated and riding a high, which only makes their inner experience harder bc of the divergence between what they are feeling and what is perceived that they SHOULD feel.
These misunderstandings often cause artists to live in performance mode even offstage. Perpetual performance mode makes relationships even harder.
After a show or tour, ask them how it was for them. Be curious about their response and validate their experience… esp if it seems divergent from what you’d expect them to say.
When we humanize the artist, it gives them permission and safety to step out of performance mode and into honest human mode… which results in better quality relationships for everyone. 🤎
backstage selfie with my touring guy :)